Happily Ever After...Not so Happy

 On November 1 2016, I said ‘I do’. I stood before a judge in a small makeshift chapel in front of the man whom I loved and said til death do us part. (A familiar place) Butterflies fluttered deep inside. I smiled at him and gazed into his brown eyes; he was the one, my forever, so why am I sitting here four years later sharing a not so happily ever after?

You grow up learning these rules of expectation. I was taught to tend to the house, be responsible, put others first (family first even if I came in last place), love and honor your husband (divorce was not an option). As I look back I now understand that these rules came from woman who found content in mediocrity. They were just going through the motions. They heard ‘for better or worse’ and ran with it not realizing that it takes two.

Well I did it! I said ‘I do’ to the man of my drea..., to the father of my two bo..., to the man who I lov..., okay to this guy who I knew for about 15 years and we dated each other for about seven years. (smoke and mirrors) After we merged households we struggled to find our rhythm. I started questioning my woman. Insecurities developed. I was made to feel like the villain in an unexpected turn of events. 

He treated me as if I was a chore. I was his burden. I felt it in his silence. The coldness that he gave was brutal. It didn’t matter what I did , I was wrong in his eyes. I had to face the fact that he didn’t want me anymore even though his lips uttered a different I love you. 

... I’m the Villain.

The problem.

The mistake.

The cause. 

I’m your excuse to produce bad behavior. 

It’s my fault.

I agreed to the terms and conditions of this contract and now I’m burning it. 

There won’t be a next time.

I’m better without it.

Your definition of love left me desolate, hopeless, alone and drowning in my own tears.

Your definition of love had me questioning the very confidence that God gave me.

Your definition of love reminded me of every flaw and blemish that was tucked away deep.

Your definition of love crowned me with thorns of verbal, emotional and sexual abuse.

Your definition of love wasn’t love at all.

So on November 1 2020 I have new vision. I’m dating me.

Learning, rediscovering, and exploring all things Lakita.