How can this broken woman be so in love with God?

 He treated me like a pimple that just appears on your face. At first you ignore it. Then you poke at it. Next you find some cream or antiseptic to help get rid of it. Once it comes to a head finally you squeeze it until there’s nothing left to squeeze. 

I wanted to die. I thought about it. This mans actions towards me had reduced my internal thoughts to death. I was depleted. Giving my all to him still wasn’t enough so I thought ‘what’s the point’? 

Love. I had to go revisit John 3:16 to re-familiarize  myself with the definition. (Don’t mind this sentence. That’s what I did) I had to posture myself at the feet of God. I’m His daughter. However somehow in this journey I’ve seemed to have lost my way. 

Do you want to know what hurts the most? So do I. I’ve played back all of the scenes from the moment we first kissed and I want to yell CUT!!!!  I Never should have been here. I led with the flesh and not the heart. He was a really good time that consequently turned into my reason to die. When did I become one of the persons who I read about in the book that I study? (The Bible) Why am I here gasping for air while being suffocated by lies. Lies that I’ve told myself and the ones that I’ve been forced fed by him?

So here I am. Digging myself out of the grave that I found comfort in. I mean seriously, he showed all of the attributes of a sincere decent man until he actually had to be him, that’s when ‘fall’ came. Fall is my favorite season. It’s when I get to see the trees true colors. I learn what’s built to last and what blows away and breaks when the wind blows. Fall brings color changes, hurricanes and storms, crisp cool air and sometimes it introduces us to snow. After all of the storms, I glance around and admire the view. 

While contemplating ending it all God had to remind me that I’m the tree Not the leaves! I’m built to endure the elements that beat on me and nurture me in every season. I messed up. I’d fallen for a leaf of a different kind of tree. He gave me all that he had except truth. Who he really was - wasn’t  defined when the weather was perfect and our finances was great and the kids were obedient. When the elements of life came and started beating against our trunk (our foundation)

that’s when I found out who he really was. All of this time he spoke the same language as I and laughed with me and danced with me and loved on me. But then the Fall came and I had to watch what I fell for blow away in the wind. 

Life is weird and challenging and provoking and uncertain. Pain is expected and happiness is pursued. Purpose is given but not always understood. Power is monitored and often given away. The beauty is the learned lessons and the opportunity to do it again...differently. Perfect doesn’t exist however perfect for you does. 

Until next time... dream BIG😘