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Stage Fright pt1

  I wonder if this is how Eve felt in the garden when she was speaking with the serpent. It’s so familiar. I am comfortable with him. Staring in his eyes I s ee a mystery behind the glare. A piece of me need s to believe that he is trustworthy. A piece of me nee ds to be wanted and desired again.  A piece of me d on’t care if it ’s a lie because in th is moment it ’s true. I’m constantly reliving the past. I see the charm and the smile and I hear the lies yet I continue to allow myself to be spoon fed untruths to a growing appetite of low esteem.  Surely confidence is non existent because why would I purposely accept  deceit just to be held, wanted, needed, desired, any component that may hint to love. I understand me too well, I just want to be loved.  Unfortunately, Love don’t want me. At least it’s having a hard time getting close to me because manipulation always seeps through the cracks and I embrace it , relish in it even. While talking to friends they say it will come when
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Emotional Orgasm

  The song says I only think of you on two occasions but it’s this one inducement that has my heart beat racing  and my intimate parts moist.  I day dream about you as if I have a choice. The thought of what could be gives my deeper self a voice.  Vibes, energy, tones and moods are all good .  I’m trying to stay in a ladies place as I should but just hearing your voice makes me want to turn hood.  You do that you know? I want to grasp at air and things that’s not there. Bite down on pillows and pull my own damn hair.  Have sheets clinched in my fist as I thrust my hips back. Bounce this ass on that dick embracing the blowback.  Nigga you got my head sprung.  Got me feigning something I’ve never had. Call me your puppet as your hand work my mouth.  Injecting things inside daring me to spit it out.  Call me your nasty bitch, I’ll fall in-line.  Tell me to bend these knees I won’t decline.  An experience that’s hard for my imagination to hold.  Whispering words under my breath
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What I Know For Sure

 You ever look at someone whom you saw a thousand times as if it was the first time you've seen them? Today as I was getting ready to begin my day I had to do a double take in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize the curvature who was starring back at me. Her eyes looked determined. She wasn't the same woman who was present a year ago.  This journey called life is not scripted. It's unpredictable, scary, uncertain, but worth it. I've rediscovered things about me that had gotten lost over the years. It's been fun finding pieces of me that had gone missing for so long. The lessons were gift wrapped perfectly. So much so I didn't want to open it. I thought that the packaging was worth more than what was waiting for me on the inside. I'm glad that I unwrapped it.  What I know for sure is that no matter the season God got me! His promises to me are real. Therefore, no matter the circumstance He remains in control. I can rest knowing I'm covered in His ar
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Comfortable in Uncertainty

I was having a conversation the other day about life, purpose, and gifts. The question was asked of me ‘what’s your why?’. I answered broadly, a political correct type of answer. After the conversation I pondered on the question some more, what is my why? I thought I knew but lately I’ve been going back and forth with myself about operating in my gift. I’ve wondered if it is really worth it. Who am I helping? Is anyone listening/reading? Do anyone care? Sometimes I go back and read some things that I’ve written and minister to myself. The words sometimes remind me of what I’ve overcome and experiences that have shaped me. It’s therapeutic for me but is it helping anyone else? While in meditation I asked God what is my why? He answered by reminding me that He gave me the gift. Therefore He’s my why. My why is to serve Him. Sometimes I get mangled. It’s hard to stay the course when I’m constantly being pushed around by life. Fear, doubt, anxiety, and worry have bullied me into a corner.
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How can this broken woman be so in love with God?

  He treated me like a pimple that just appears on your face. At first you ignore it. Then you poke at it. Next you find some cream or antiseptic to help get rid of it. Once it comes to a head finally you squeeze it until there’s nothing left to squeeze.   I wanted to die. I thought about it. This mans actions towards me had reduced my internal thoughts to death. I was depleted. Giving my all to him still wasn’t enough so I thought ‘what’s the point’?  Love. I had to go revisit John 3:16 to re-familiarize  myself with the definition. (Don’t mind this sentence. That’s what I did) I had to posture myself at the feet of God. I’m His daughter. However somehow in this journey I’ve seemed to have lost my way.  Do you want to know what hurts the most? So do I. I’ve played back all of the scenes from the moment we first kissed and I want to yell CUT!!!!    I Never should have been here. I led with the flesh and not the heart. He was a really good time that consequently turned into my reason to
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Happily Ever After...Not so Happy

 On November 1 2016, I said ‘I do’. I stood before a judge in a small makeshift chapel in front of the man whom I loved and said til death do us part. (A familiar place) Butterflies fluttered deep inside. I smiled at him and gazed into his brown eyes; he was the one, my forever, so why am I sitting here four years later sharing a not so happily ever after? You grow up learning these rules of expectation. I was taught to tend to the house, be responsible, put others first (family first even if I came in last place), love and honor your husband (divorce was not an option). As I look back I now understand that these rules came from woman who found content in mediocrity. They were just going through the motions. They heard ‘for better or worse’ and ran with it not realizing that it takes two. Well I did it! I said ‘I do’ to the man of my drea..., to the father of my two bo..., to the man who I lov..., okay to this guy who I knew for about 15 years and we dated each other for about seven ye
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